Weight Loss Pizza

Wait… Does that title look a little bit like click-bait? Oh man… Sorry about that.

Look, what I’m about to reveal to you is purely anecdotal. There’s not a single shred of evidence that this will help you lose weight. In fact, if you saw me right now, you’d be calling bullshit, because I’m currently way too fat. All the same, hear me out.

So back before I “perfected” the pizza with a hand tossed yeast risen crust, I created this bachelor’s bastardization of a pie by using flour tortillas as the crust. It was a serendipitous observation that a very specific combination of ingredients created a pizza that when eaten for dinner each night would result in a noticeable shedding of pounds week after week.

This miracle isn’t really that miraculous. The pizza weighs less than 6 ounces when prepared. It’s not really all that much food, but its success boils down to making you feel fuller than you’d expect after eating it.

So how does it taste? It’s actually pretty good. I confess that it doesn’t have the same qualities as a traditional hand tossed pizza, but it’s very close. It’s also light years ahead of store bought frozen pizzas.

Now there is one MAJOR PROVISO: Oddly enough, modifying this pizza by adding other ingredients or using more than specified will result in weight gain! So no olives, mushrooms, sausage, pineapple, or chocolate sprinkles. Just stick to the recipe below, and you’ll be skinnier in no time!

So first things first: You’ll want to nab a bag of flour tortillas. The ones I use are the 10″ variety. These are usually pretty cheap as well.

Now break out the aluminum foil. You want to tear off a piece just bigger than the tortilla. (This is primarily for easy cleanup, but it’s also insurance that it won’t make a mess on your baking sheet.)

From hear on in, the tortilla will be referred to as the crust. Learn the difference between the top and the bottom of the “crust”. The top has more brown splotches, while the bottom looks more uniformly pale.

So with the bottom side up, put about a teaspoon of either olive or canola oil on the crust. With the back of a spoon, spread the oil evenly over the bottom of the crust. Afterwords, you will want to sprinkle the oiled side with garlic salt. Actually the garlic salt is optional, but highly recommended.

I just want to stress that it is important to oil the bottom, because it will stick if you don’t, so please don’t skip this step.

OK, now that the bottom is oiled and salted, flip it so that the oiled side is down, and the top of the crust is facing up.

After teaching a friend how to make this, he neglected this step. The results were predictably gross.

Now we’re going to add about three tablespoons of marinara sauce. I’m using my own recipe that I already covered here.

Evenly spread the marinara onto the crust, but be sure to leave just a little bit of an “edge”. Since the toppings tend to spread a bit during baking, this edge is kind of important too. After it’s cooked that edge will essentially be gone.

Next up, it’s the pepperoni. You’ll use 12 slices. Place them on the compass points north, south, east, and west, then four more in between the first four. Finally add four to the middle.

Chop up some white onions and add them too. I actually make Grace her own pizza, but leave them off of hers. I also don’t salt hers either. Personally I like them, so I also add the onion.

Green peppers are nice too, but you can only choose one if you want to maintain that weight loss effect. This is the only topping substitution allowed.

It’s important to maintain proper portion control at this point. You only want to use 2.75 ounces of mozzarella. I admit, getting it sprinkled evenly on top is trickier than it looks, but with practice, anyone can do it.

Optionally, you can sprinkle on some seasonings too. I like freshly ground black pepper, and a few good shakes of “pizza” seasoning. Also, it’s permissible to add up to 1/2 an ounce of grated Parmesan as well. This last step is where all the character of the pizza is developed.

Bake in the oven at 425 degrees F for about 11 minutes. Adjust the time for your tastes, but it should be obvious when the pizza is done.

Side note: The cheese is most likely going to run over some of the edges onto the aluminum foil. You will have to insert a spatula under the crust and gently chop the melted edges away from the foil. This is why we don’t just put it straight on the baking sheet.

Finally! Just look at that pizza! There’s only one thing left to do before we eat it.

Slice and serve. You have to square cut this pizza. Pie cut is a no-go with “thin crust” pizzas, and don’t even think about rolling this up into a burrito. Just cut it into twelve pieces as shown. Since tortillas are slightly oblong, orient it so that it’s widest left to right and make three vertical cuts, and two horizontal cuts.

Let it cool for a minute so you don’t burn your mouth, and enjoy!

In conclusion…

I do hope you’ll try this recipe. As to why I’m telling you about it now, well, I really have been gaining a lot of weight over the past few years, and it’s gotten to a point I really have to do something about it. When you add up all the calories in this pizza it comes to about 650. Realistically, any fat person will lose weight so long as they never exceed 2000 calories a day. Now all I have to do is figure out how to keep my calorie count below 1350 for breakfast, lunch, and the various snacks I eat during my breaks at work.

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